The Real Insanity Workout

Looking for a workout that combines intensity and endurance? Well look no further, this is the one for you. Bringing you to the extremes of tolerance and a true test of what you are made of. This asks for everything you’ve got plus ten percent. It takes commitment and dedication, but the results are rewarding. You will truly be able to say that you have changed as a person. Welcome to the real insanity workout.

Parenting.

The following is a simple breakdown of how it works in two easy stages:

  1. Daytime
  • Wake at five
  • Make tea, let it go cold
  • Don’t make breakfast until 7
  • When you do – follow these steps (and for all meals): make food but let your children eat it. If they don’t, let it go cold, sit up and stand down for the duration of their meal and then put it in the bin.
  • Every time you sit down, stand back up immediately
  • Run up the stairs for no reason, when you come back down think of a reason to go up again.
  • At no point take a rest – you are allowed two hiding breaks in the toilet
  • Drink as much water as possible to facilitate hiding breaks
  • Don’t walk – Run
  • If one of your children isn’t available to carry at all times – you can opt for a medium sized bag of potatoes.
  1. Nighttime
  • Every time you lie down get up immediately
  • Wake every 20 minutes until 2am
  • Put the kids in the bed
  • Sleep on the floor
  • Wake at 5

This is the basic routine – you have two options, either repeat this every 24 hours or opt for the alternative night time work approach which is more of a mental challenge, substitute the daytime routine for the following:

  • Two hour commute on public transport
  • Full day of meetings
  • Concentrating on really important things that are pretty irrelevant in the great grand scheme of things
  • Listen to people who don’t have children talk about how much energy they have for this great new workout they’ve heard about
  • Listen to crap parenting advice from people who have perfect children
  • Present as a fully functioning responsible adult who gives a shit
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